Book notes: The Dating Playbook for Men by Andrew Ferebee

The Dating Playbook for Men by Andrew Ferebee book summary review and key ideas.

The Dating Playbook For Men: A Proven 7 Step System To Go From Single To The Woman Of Your Dreams by Andrew Ferebee



“Unveiled at last, a simple proven playbook to go from being a frustrated single man to having the woman of your dreams.

“When I discovered this strategy, I was initially scared to share it with the world. I didn’t want to become a dating coach and the stigma associated with that. However, I knew I had to write this. I was frustrated with all the pain I saw inside men stopping them from getting the women of their dreams. I’d been there, and I wish I’d known this strategy earlier.”

You’ll learn how to turn the number one barrier stopping men from chasing the women of their dreams, fear of rejection, into your ally. You’ll completely eradicate approach anxiety from your psyche forever, and most importantly you’ll acquire the number one trait that women find most attractive.” -Audible

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Opening thoughts:

Opening that already so I pick this book up because after I bought Mystery Method and this one just came up under recommended. Again, it has good reviews and it seems very interesting. Since the theme of the month is attraction, dating, and pickup, this one seems like it would be a good starting book.

Key notes:

  • If you are single, it’s because of one of several or all of the following:
    1. You are not a strong, confident man. You’re a boy inside an adult body
    2. You don’t understand women and female psychology
    3. You don’t go out and meet new women regularly
    4. You don’t know how to talk and flirt with the women you’re attracted to
    5. You don’t know how to transition from meeting a woman to a first date
    6. You don’t understand how the dating process works
    7. You don’t know how to have a happy, respectful, loving relationship
    8. You ignore dating and relationships altogether and focus on other aspects of your life
  • Workbook: 
  • The more you value yourself, the more women will value you
    • If you respect yourself, then others will respect you
  • The moment you make a woman your main goal in life is the instant you will lose her
  • The grounded man is a man of action, confidence, he’s interesting, direct, and he is clear in his wants and intentions
    • He doesn’t need a woman, he wants a woman
    • The grounded man understands his own value and worth and is comfortable at all times within his own skin
    • The key is to care less and less about what other people think of you

Your Purpose is Everything

Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” -The Buddha

  • What really makes you come alive?
    • What do you want to create?
    • Who do you want to help?
    • What problem in society would you like to solve?
    • What are you willing to die for?
  • No woman will make you happy if you first are not happy with yourself
  • What would you do if money was no object?
    • What would you do with $10 million?
    • Aside from partying and an exotic vacation, what would you do and how would you spend your time?
  • If you continue to struggle with finding your purpose, perhaps you should go on an adventure, go out and explore and try new things in the world until you find yourself lost in something that just completely fulfills you
  • The point of having a purpose is to make you happier, more fulfilled, and ultimately less needy and reliant on others
    • You just have to have your shit together, love yourself, be a leader in something no matter how big or small, have some fun, take action, go after what you want in life.

Stop Talking and Start Doing

  • Women are attracted to momentum much more than meeting someone who is actually successful.
    • A free man is a happy man
    • Success is about building the life you want in this moment and never settling for anything less than you deserve
    • Always invest in yourself
  • Become a more interesting person by:
    • Doing the things you like
    • Making your opinions known
    • Trying things other people haven’t done
    • Go places where others haven’t been
    • Do things differently
    • Read more books
  • However much you invest in yourself and your growth the more interesting of a man you will become to yourself and others
    • The more value you offer, the more attractive you are
  • The stronger social life you have, the less reliant you will be on women for validation
    • Organize and host a fun, weekly event where your small group of friends constantly invites when it’s your people each time every week
    • This will slowly grow and make you seem like the popular one who knows everyone when in reality you’re just getting to know everyone is well
  • You cannot get something from the world when you already have it. Stop seeking anything outside of yourself. With time your ego will fade and you will truly be free

Chapter 2: The internal mindset

  • You are enough. You are ready for any situation
  • Remove any limiting beliefs you have and just take action
    • Instead of trying to game girls, connect with them by being 100% your authentic self
  • Love yourself more than anyone in the world
    • Ask yourself: what would someone who loves themselves do?
    • When you love yourself, you’ll take care of yourself, respect yourself, and not allow second class behavior from others
    • Start believing in yourself and forgive those who have wronged you and take full responsibility for your life.
  • Realize that these horrible things that happened to you in your past are exactly what you need in order to make you a grounded man
  • Unleash your values onto others
    • You need to have a value system
      • Having a value system makes your life better
      • Your values are what is most important to you
  • Always be having fun
  • Let go of needing any outcome to be positive or negative
    • It’s doesn’t matter what moves you make, it just matters that you’re making moves
  • You can’t make everyone happy in your interactions
    • All you can do is be yourself and share who you are and what you value
    • You’re not supposed to connect with every single person on this planet
  • It’s about the fact you’re taking action and living in alignment to what you value and what makes you happy
    • Anytime you’re stepping outside your comfort zone, be happy because you’re being you
  • Let go and enjoy the process
    • There’s nothing for you to lose. Be present.
    • Be attached to the actions you’re taking and not her reaction or the outcome
  • An abundant man lets go of the control of his emotions
    • He approaches women effortlessly and fearlessly because he has nothing to lose
  • Abundance allows you to walk up to a girl and not need anything from her because your life is already great and is becoming better every day
    • It would be to her benefit to be with you because you’re living an abundant life
    • You’re giving them the opportunity to meet a grounded man
    • Abundance comes from being generally happy with the way things are going in your life
  • Treat women like human beings
    • They’re not goddesses from heaven

Chapter 3: Understanding what women want

  • What women want is for you to have a strong masculine presence, be the grounded man, and have the ability to connect with her and make her feel special
  • Men are the pursuers and women are the selectors
    • Pursuing means approaching and being clear in your intent
      • Initiating interest in her and actively courting through the dating process
      • If you want to have sex with a woman, do not try and be her friend first
        • This is incongruent with your true desires and can destroy a relationship
  • Value creates attraction
    • For women, this is when she feels safe, secure, and provided for
    • A pretty boy type of guy isn’t what she’s looking for
      • She wants a man that can help her get through life easier because life is hard
  • Emotion vs. logic-based traction
    • Attraction is an emotional reaction, not a logical one
  • Highly attractive women are conditioned toward powerful men
    • Women are attracted to men for their personality and status more than a man’s physical looks or money
  • The ability to switch between strong and a kind man is very attractive to women
  • Focus on having fun in all of your social interactions with men and women
    • When you have an enjoyable social life, dating becomes a natural extension of that
  • Women want sex just as much as you, if not more

Chapter 4: Going out and interacting with women

  • The not so hidden secret to getting results and fast
    • The only way to get good at attracting women is to become a massive action taker and gain more experience in the shortest amount of time possible
  • Ask yourself: If I was gonna die this month, would I regret that I never took a chance to talk to that woman, do that thing I wanted to do so badly, or even enjoy my life more?
  • Three things to keep in mind when you’re out meeting women:
    1. Always be taking action
    2. Always be leading
    3. Always be having fun
  • The best place for guys to get the most experience with highly attractive women in the shortest amount of time possible is in bars and clubs because of the high density of attractive women
  • You grow the most when there is the highest level of fear, so always go where your fear is
    • Whatever you are most afraid of, that is where you must go from now on
    • Consider bars and clubs as training grounds
    • You need to be going out a minimum two times per week, preferably 3 to 5 times a week
      • The opinion of others will mean less and less to you the more you go out and meet people, especially as you get more results
      • Simply have a blast and be you and not care about what others think
  • When you take care of yourself and your life healthwise and socially, tapping into a high state will come a lot more naturally and easier for you
    • When you are healthy, your base level state is higher than an unhealthy person’s highest level of state

The Art of the Approach

  • It’s your job to approach and pursue the woman, never expect a woman to approach you
    • Even if they like you and are showing clear signs interest, you still lead the way
    • You don’t need any signs of interest to approach a woman
  • Approach anxiety: this exists because your mind wants to remain safe
  • Your opening line with a girl does not matter
    • It’s not the move you make it’s the fact you were making moves
    • The longer you wait to talk to her, the harder it becomes to approach her
    • Four openers:
      1. Hi, I’m (your name).
      2. Hi, I’m (your name). Who are you?
      3. Hi, you look like trouble
      4. (State what is happening in the present moment) and then “Hey, I am (your name).
    • Be more attached to taking action versus the woman’s reactions
    • Be happy you are living in alignment to your values:
      • Growth
      • Taking action
      • Self improvement
    • Four simple ways to approach women:
      1. Verbal opener “Hi, I am (your name). Who are you?”
      2. Raise your hand up like giving a high-five and then closes hands and hold for a few seconds then let go (Be confident, not too aggressive)
      3. Extend your arm and hand out and reach to grab her hand. Wait for her to comply and allow her to meet you halfway
      4. Moving set
        • Catch up to her and walk either side by side or slightly in front and say, “Hey excuse me (pause and wait for her to give you attention). I saw you walking and had to come by and introduce myself”
  • Three Golden Rules of Approaching:
    1. You must lower your time of reaction
      • Once you see the girl, you need to get moving and go talk to her
      • Get in there fast before excuses start popping up in your mind
    2. Adjust after the initial approach
      • Learn how to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what to say after making contact. Don’t think about what’s the perfect thing to say, just do something
    3. Set the framework of the interaction as a man to woman which will reduce the awkwardness of being physical later on
      • Set it up from the beginning as a man who is interested in her
  • Choose the bold action over the easier one every damn time
    • Women want a confident, fun, grounded man to introduce himself to her
      • Be the dream man she so badly wants to meet
  • There are too many variables on her end that you cannot control
    • Take control of the only variable you can which is if you took action

How to Hook Any Girl’s Interest So She’s Chasing You

  • Most of her impression of you comes from non-verbal behavior rather than verbal communication
    • Then introduce yourself and tell her where you’re coming from or what you’re doing
    • Make an observation about her, notice what she’s wearing, doing, ask where’s she’s from
      • Be genuinely curious about her or what she’s doing
  • Women feel a lot safer with you when they know you don’t have an agenda, so engage her emotions
    • This is when it switches from a friendly situation to a man to woman vibe where she has to decide if she’s going to stay or not
  • Apply social pressure and take a risk
    • Examples:
      • You’re cute are you single?
      • You’re not so bad I kind of like you
      • Let’s go grab coffee or a drink over there really quick
      • Where have you been all of my life?
      • You look just like my like my ex, this could be trouble

How to Handle Her Tests

Everything negative, pressure, challenges, it’s all an opportunity for me to rise” – Kobe Bryant

  • Remain emotionally unreactive to her tests

How to Have Stimulating Conversation with Any Woman

Be the flame, not the moth” -Casanova

  • Conversation flow structure:
    • Start off with 80/20 and you talking most for the first couple minutes
    • Then 50/50 with you and her both talking
    • Then 80/20 towards her
      • Maybe juggling between these two ratios
  • Don’t assume that all women are master social creatures
    • A lot of younger women aren’t actually socially good at talking to strangers
  • The number one frustration women have with men is that they’re not listening to them
    • Be present and be interested in her and set of trying to be interesting
    • When you’re asking questions, keep it relevant and dig deeper into each topic she’s giving you
  • You always want to end the conversation on your terms and on a high note
    • Simply bow out gracefully as the grounded man

How to Never Run Out of Things to Say

  • Remember that as the grounded man, anything you say has value because it’s coming from you
    • It doesn’t matter if other people find interesting, it just matters that you find interesting and then it will become interesting
  • It’s not what you say but the energy behind how you say it
  • Role-playing example topics to create a sense of adventure and togetherness:
    • Propose getting married and later on divorce her
    • You are my girlfriend for the rest of the night
    • Imagine that you can go anywhere in the world where would you go?
    • What if we ran away together?
    • What if we rob a bank together could you drive?
  • Pushes: negative emotions that are good to use to create a challenging vibe
    • “You are so (something about her)”
    • “Interesting?” or “oh really?” (with a challenging voice and facial expression)
    • “Are you seriously boring/immature/socially awkward/insecure about that?”
    • “I never thought someone would actually do that” (something she just did)
    • How does it feel to know you are a horrible dancer, kisser, drinker, etc.?”
    • I don’t believe you, you’re such a liar.”
  • Pulls: positive emotions to show your interest in the person. It’s good to balance out the negative with positive
    • I like your ____
    • I like how you do ____
    • You have the most ____
    • You really come alive when you ____
    • You really have this great energy about you when you _____
  • Go-to phrases when in a group:
    • Ask to be introduced to her friends
    • Ask how they know each other or if they’re best friends
    • What are you guys celebrating tonight?”
    • Are you all here to pick up guys?”
    • How many numbers have you guys gotten so far?
    • Any good tinder matches tonight?
    • Who is the troublemaker between the two or three of you?
    • Who would win in a fight between you two?
  • Statements of empathy to show you understand what she’s feeling
    • Admitting what you’re doing is it normal which makes it OK
  • If a girl is being rude to you, you have to acknowledge it and know what to say to handle it
    • If you let her get away with it, she will lose respect for you
  • Reduce the typical “you” interview questions
    • You-statements: observations
      • “You seem to really know what you want out of life”
      • “You have a beautiful smile”
      • “You seem very open and trustworthy”
    • People and women in general love hearing about themselves
      • Something you can add to the you-statements to add spark is to say:
        • “You are so amazing and intelligent, too bad you’re still in school, I only date professional type of women”
        • Challenging and fun and say with a smirk to feel the tension build up
        • Contradictory hot-cold statements like
          • “You’re so cute, that’s what I hate about you”
          • “You’re so cute and I feel good with you, but that makes me nervous”
    • I-statements are you just sharing stuff about yourself
  • Use the we-adventure:
    • Hey, we should go to Las Vegas
    • We should run away and get married
    • We should get drinks and go streaking”
      • These also seed potential dates
  • How to Have More Meaningful Conversations for Deeper Connections
    • First, go in with stimulating conversations, then balance it out and pepper it in with meaningful conversations

How to Physically Escalate with Women

  • Different types of physical escalation:
    • Platonic: Close proximity, rubbing, arm touching, shoulder touching, lower back touching
    • Dominance: Picking up the girl, spinning her, grabbing her hand, kissing, dancing, sexual, touching her hips, her butt, her thighs, breasts
    • Relationship: Holding hands, arm around each other, sitting on you, cuddling.
      • Go in that order
  • One of the most enjoyable things you can do girl when you first meet her that elicits a positive response is to reach your hand out like a handshake and spin her
    • Another is the handclasp, almost like taking an oath, then when she reaches out, clasp and hold hands and bring her close to you
      • Then stay close, have a conversation for a minute, then do a spinning hug from below her waist, then remain close with conversation
  • Another fun thing is a waltz dance-type thing where you put her arm around your neck and go

Chapter 5: Closing

  • Remember that nothing will happen unless you make it happen
    • Figure out her logistics and proper questions about where she’s from and what she’s doing in the future so you can try and set something up at a later time
  • Ideally, you want to get intimate with a girl as soon as you can
    • You want to establish yourself as a lover, not a provider when you’re escalating with women as they’ll get intimate faster than with a provider
    • Keep in mind a lover can switch to a provider role but rarely the other way
  • Make it a habit to lead her around the venue so that she gets used to following you so that leaving with you isn’t a big leap of faith for her
  • Always aim to have an adventure with the girl you like first and stretch the night out as long as possible while ending up at an isolated location such as your place or her place
    • The number is never the main goal and it is not a piece of social validation
    • The phone number is just a tool to help you continue the adventure at a later time
      • Hey, let’s exchange phone numbers real quick” in a commanding voice as if you’re talking to an old friend
      • You should have the “Add Contact” screen on your phone open and hand it to her, which will increase compliance dramatically and reduce friction
        • If she’s hesitant, you can give her a 10-second elevator pitch so she can get a better idea of who you are, what you like, and something funny or quirky to reduce any type of tension
        • Even if she decides not to, just bow out gracefully as there are many factors out of your control

How to Go from Getting Her Phone Number to the First Date

  • He almost always does this via text, rarely ever calling unless they are already dating or an existing relationship
    • Do not text girls to build a relationship with them, it doesn’t work like that
      • You will never text your way to a relationship
      • A phone number is just a tool to communicate the adventure you had when you first met
    • The best way to build a relationship is in person where you can communicate verbally, nonverbally, and physically escalate
      • Texting a girl forever and ever does nothing except reduce your value over time

The Rules of Texting

  • 4 things that need to happen before the first text:
    1. You know her name and she knows yours
    2. Go for longer interactions with the girl
    3. Seed a reason to text her. Use the we-statements and questions about food and her favorite places to go eat
    4. Stay around at least one minute after getting the phone number
  • Don’t collect phone numbers
    • Collect solid interactions and connections with women
  • Three things to always be doing when texting:
    1. Flirt, be authentic, and just have fun
    2. Keep it simple and straightforward
    3. Handle logistics and set up the date
  • Six things to NOT do:
    1. Negative things
    2. Being unclear
    3. Closed statements that leave her with nothing to easily respond to
    4. Too many emoji‘s
    5. Long paragraph texts
      • Rule of thumb: keep your text lengths the same as hers
    6. Texting late at night or early in the morning
      • The goal is to reduce the amount of friction by having solid directions and only giving her value texts and not giving her a reason to not respond
  • How to Add Value through texting and always get a response
    1. Flirting
    2. Call back humor from the interaction
    3. Memes, gifs, and also pictures from what you’re doing
    4. Creating a nickname for her works well
      • Always think and ask if your text is adding value or taking away
      • Referencing something you seeded in your first interaction is very effective.
  • Even after adding each other on social media, don’t transition to messaging there as it is a downgrade
  • Send your value-giving texts from Tuesday to Saturday
    • Use Sunday or Monday evening to set up logistics for a date that week

Setting up the date:

  • The easiest things for him has always been (in this order):
    • happy hour
    • yogurt
    • coffee
  • Your first date should always be one on one
    • Avoid social events before you even established anything between the two of you
  • Template: “Hey let’s do, something fun (that’s less than $20) this week
    • Notice he’s not asking to hang out, he’s telling her what they should do together
    • Reduce friction and give her two options to pick from for time
      • Example: “Cool, I can do Tuesday or Wednesday evening. Which one works for you?
    • Lock down logistics at that time such as:
      • Cool, let’s do 7 PM at this place
    • Continue to send value add texts in between until the date
      • On the day of, be sure to send 1-3 value texts between 1pm and 5pm
      • 2-3 hours before the date, give her an update on what you’re doing and referencing the date
  • Arrange the date at a place where you would have fun without her
    • Bring her into your world and be in motion doing something fun
    • After meeting here, in about 30 minutes to an hour start walking around in a fun and busy social area like a shopping Center, Park, and mall do you have a wide variety of things to do with nice views
      • It’s also good to have some fun stuff in your trunk or games for spontaneous fun
  • He always pays on the first date but never over $25, unusually under $10
    • If you ask a girl out, you pay. Bottom line
    • Dinner and a movie is too serious, possibly boring, and can’t have a good conversation
  • Great texting cannot solve bad interactions
    • All dates must be:
      • fun
      • adventurous
      • interactive
      • doing something
      • moving around
      • ideally close to where you live or generally close to your place
  • On the first date, assume you’re starting over, even if you were kissing when you first met
    • You’re not her boyfriend
    • Always try to sit next to her so you can be close and touch her
    • He recommends changing venues at least once
    • Once you’re together, focus on building comfort, getting to know her, and being physical
  • Fun conversation starters:
    • Tell me about what you do for a living?
    • What do you enjoy most about it?
    • What were you like in college?
    • If money weren’t an object, what would you want to do or be?
    • Scenario: 1 plane ticket to anywhere in the world, where would you go?
      • What book would you bring?
    • What movie can you watch over and over again? Why?
    • Favorite way to spend the weekend?
    • Troublemaker or good girl growing up?
    • Boldest thing you’ve ever done?
    • Guilty pleasure TV shows?
    • Would you like to be famous? Doing what?
    • What would make a perfect day for you?
      • At the end of each question, be sure to answer yourself to share more about who you are and stay on that topic for a while instead of just jumping around

How to kiss on the first date

  • Focus on slowly physically escalating from the moment you first see her from a hug, touching lower back, arm around lower back
  • Building up light physical touches makes it easier to transition to a kiss.
  • Timing is best in the middle of the date when emotions are spiked or the highest, not the end when it’s awkward and assumed pressure for the kiss.
  • Steps to a kiss:
    1. Get close
    2. Arm around or both hands touching waist
    3. Make eye contact
    4. Make a statement about her, how you feel, and tell her what you’re going to do
      • Ex: “You’re beautiful. I’m having fun with you. I’m gonna kiss you”
      • Ex: “You’re adorable. I’m enjoying the night with you. I’m kissing you”
  • If you want, you can find a fun reason to bring her back to your place like a video to show her or a movie to watch
  • Spread out your first three dates to one per week
    • After three times, you can start opening up your weekends to her and seeing her more often and inviting her into your social life
    • Don’t overwhelm her with text messages and phone calls
      • Just relax, have fun, and be grounded
  • When you get her to your place, the key is to make her feel comfortable and safe
    • Before you head out tonight, make sure your place is clean and there are drinks and snacks readily available
      • You can set it up so you have music playing as soon as you get home and also give a quick tour
  • While at your apartment, initiate light playful touches, putting on something like Netflix in the background, but not something to actually watch, and maybe have snacks and a blanket as you’re on the sofa
    • You can put her legs over your lap and sprinkle in either like kisses and massaging her legs
  • If you are dropping her off at her place, you can ask to use the bathroom
    • From here, you can tell her you can’t stay long but would like a tour of her place
    • When you get isolated in her room or near sofa, you can initiate kissing and light physical contact

How to handle a woman that is not that into you

  • You have to be willing to respect yourself enough to walk away from a woman who isn’t interested in you

The secrets to having great sex

  • The more you let loose, the more she will do the same
  • Most girls want the guy to take the lead and be dominant most of the time
  • Don’t ask to do anything
    • Just move her into a position you want
    • If she doesn’t want to do that, then don’t get mad or upset
      • Simply transition back into whatever you know she’s comfortable with and continue
  • The key to talking dirty is to say what’s going on and how it makes you feel
  • You need to have more positive sexual experiences in your life
    • The more you have, the easier it will be

How to have an awesome dating life

  • This is the period usually in the first six months when you’re seeing a woman regularly, having sex, and going out often
    • You’re not exactly official but there’s clearly a lot of potential in the future
  • Don’t revert your life purpose to make this one girl your girlfriend
    • The second you show any sign of weakness, like being needy, clingy, too available, or jealous, is the second she starts second guessing you as a potential boyfriend
  • When she asks you what your status is together, it is a good sign
    • Tell her you don’t want to put a title on it, but want to keep getting to know her and say you will always be honest with her about how you feel
      • Speak the truth and don’t lie

Chapter 6: Girlfriends and Relationships

Getting in a relationship for the right reasons

  • If you naturally vibe with a girl, connect with her, share similar values, and she supports your vision in life, then you have a potential relationship
    • When you meet a girl that makes it completely unmotivating to go out and meet other women, then you may have found a girl worth investing more time and energy into
  • Don’t ever settle because you’re lonely

The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little” -Thomas Merton

  • Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely
  • It’s better to be single with high standards than in a relationship settling for less than you deserve out of scarcity
  • People look for things outside of themselves to fill the gaps of self-worth
    • The frame to meet somebody with is to have things that are more important in your life than meeting someone else
    • The best way to meet someone who is going to enrich your life to already be someone who has an enriching life
  • Draw your happiness from within and other people will be happy to be around you
    • Go see the world and experience new cultures to expand your awareness of the world
    • All of the interesting men he’s met are well-traveled
  • You are the average of your five closest friends
    • This is the greatest life hacks of all time
    • Put yourself in an environment and you’ll become the environment
    • Have at least three male friends who are on the same wavelength as you, who will want to grow and become the best versions of themselves in all aspects of life
      • This will be the most powerful investment you’ll make on your personal development in your life
  • So much about becoming good with women is really about becoming good with yourself
    • When you improve the quality of your life and take action going after women you want, then dating and relationships is simply a natural byproduct of that

Staying the grounded man in the relationship

  • Don’t wait for the right person to come into your life
    • Instead, be the right person to come into someone else’s life
    • Nothing in your life is more important than your purpose
      • If you haven’t found it, then your purpose is to go on an adventure to find it
      • You only find your purpose through experience in the real world
  • Foundations of the relationship
    1. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship
    2. Respect is valuing each other’s feelings, actions and thought
    3. Empathy is an understanding of the other persons perspective
    4. Communication is your best ally
  • Setting healthy boundaries
    • You are not responsible for your partner’s actions or emotions, and they are not responsible for yours
      • Stop trying to fix the problems in your girlfriends life
    • It’s not your responsibility for you to make her happy
      • You still care about her, but the weight isn’t on your shoulders to make her happy
      • Be there for support and show empathy for the problems presented to you, but it’s not your job do you solve it
  • Beware of losing your identity in relationships
  • Vulnerability is the key to the kingdom
    • Be vulnerable with all the people in your life
    • Reveal your true self to the people closest to you and the women in your life

Understanding what love is and isn’t

  • Don’t get lazy with your love
    • Treat each day like it’s your first day full of excitement, adventure
    • Always have fun and go on adventures together

The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to move forward is the happiest

Chapter 7: Mastery

  • Don’t focus on the results when you go out, focus on how you can have more fun, how you can add more value, how you can make yourself laugh, how you can get into an even better state

The real secret to success

  • Embrace failure as a learning experiences
    • The more you feel, the more experience you gain which improves your skill set significantly
    • If you don’t fail at all then you’re not gonna grow at all
  • Master one thing first

Order and simplification are the first steps toward the mastery of a subject” -Thomas Mann

  • It helps to break down the dating process into smaller pieces that you can master first individually
  • Mastery in one thing at a time creates momentum and a pattern of confidence that will continue to grow and make for a much more enjoyable, fun and exciting journey for you
  • Books:
  • You should always be on wherever you are
    • Talk to every girl as if you’re speaking to the most beautiful girl in the world
    • Talk to your friends as if there were 10 attractive women in the room too
    • Always be expressing yourself, self-amused, socializing, challenging yourself whenever you are out
  • View yourself as a social scientist and turn those moments of boredom into mini social experiments where you can step outside and get creative
  • Go out with someone who is fun, has positive energy, and who can hold you accountable to this
    • Go out 2-5 times per week (day or night) and be each other’s wingmen
  • The more pain that you experience and the more willpower you have to overcome that pain, the more you’re going to grow
    • Keep going so that you can reap the rewards of all the pain that you’re enduring
  • In order to get higher quality women, you need to become a higher quality man
    • It’s that simple. Personal change is supposed to be hard but it can be done
  • You make your own luck through action, persistence, and willpower

Themes / Main Ideas:

  1. The more you value and respect yourself, the more women will value and respect you
  2. No woman will make you happy if you first are not happy with yourself
  3. Women are attracted to momentum much more than meeting someone who is actually successful
  4. What women want is for you to have a strong masculine presence, be the grounded man, and have the ability to connect with her and make her feel special
  5. Men are the pursuers and women are the selectors
  6. Value creates attraction
  7. Three things to keep in mind when you’re out meeting women:
    1. Always be taking action
    2. Always be leading
    3. Always be having fun
  8. You grow the most when there is the highest level of fear, so always go where your fear is
  9. It’s not what you say but the energy behind how you say it
  10. It’s better to be single with high standards than in a relationship settling for less than you deserve out of scarcity
  11. Draw your happiness from within and other people will be happy to be around you
  12. You are the average of your five closest friends
  13. It’s not your responsibility for you to make her happy
  14. Embrace failure as a learning experiences
  15. In order to get higher quality women, you need to become a higher quality man

Closing thoughts:

This was such a good book! It wasn’t the typical, dating book that reminds people of those sleazy sales books that tell you to do unethical things. I like how the main premise of having a better dating life is to become a better person and have a purpose. The moment you make dating and the girl your purpose, that’s the moment you’ll lose.

What I also really enjoyed about the book was that it wasn’t so philosophical and didn’t stay to high level. It was actually very tactical and gave great scripts and steps that anyone can apply right away. I think having an action plan is the 2nd half to learning. True learning is accomplished by doing, and having a plan makes it easier to do.

I really enjoyed this book and have already begun to internalize the ideas and principles of being a “grounded man” into my own life and already seeing the results. Even if I’m not going out and trying to pick up women, i’ve noticed a huge change in my own mindset, how I interact with people, and the quality of my experiences. I’m not feeling as sad or lonely, and definitely not as needy as before. I’m solely focused on pursuing my purpose and being a high-value, grounded man who has a lot of value to offer to those around me, and it feels great.


In order to date higher quality women, you’ll need to become a higher quality man. Principles and tactics to apply in order to become a “grounded man”.

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7 thoughts on “Book notes: The Dating Playbook for Men by Andrew Ferebee”

  1. What qualifies a woman of high quality?
    The fact that she wears expensive misleading cosmetics, or the designer clothes she prancing around in, women all know what a man desires that’s why we are exploited for there own personal gain. What’s wrong with 2 people starting and building a life together, why does the man have to demonstrate the Alfa when all she has to offer is fake feelings and manipulation. That is there game after all!
    But how do high status men settle for less, after the high end woman, all that’s left is extremely undesirables.


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