The theme of the month for October was “Dating, Attraction, and Relationships“, so I decided to choose three of the top books I could find on these subjects.
The goal was by the end of it, I could analyze the common themes among the books and synthesize a high-level guide for anyone currently in the dating scene, or maybe just feeling like they need some advice on how to navigate relationships.
We all know that this can be one of the most emotionally exhausting parts of our life so it’s good to get some insights from people who may have way more expertise than us in these areas.
Why Dating and Relationships?
For those of you who don’t know, I recently got out of a long-time relationship immediately went into a slump for the next month or so. It’s never a good feeling when you realize that the relationship was a part of your self-identity, and now that part has been taken away from you.
To get out of it, I started to re-engage in some of my favorite activities and find some new ones. I started dancing seriously again on a team, started using my Moviepass on overdrive (now AMC A-list), connected with old friends from college, met a bunch of new friends, and went on Meetup and joined interesting group (book discussions, social events, intellectual discussions, outdoor activities, movie nights, etc).
And of course, I started to go on dating apps. This was the part I dreaded the most because I was so out of the dating game that I definitely felt like I wasn’t ready.
And that’s what lead me to make October’s theme all about dating and relationships.
By the end of the month, I was SO glad I had read these books at the beginning of this new chapter in my life. I definitely made some mistakes in the first month after becoming single again, but the insights definitely saved me even more time in the future from making more mistakes.
Hopefully, this guide/compilation will be as helpful to you as it was to me. To this day, I’m still going back and rereading my notes on these books as the internalization process of these concepts takes a bit to settle in.
But as I said, I’m already seeing good progress in my personal life and it definitely feels like I’m headed in the right direction.
Common Themes & Ideas
- Your attractiveness comes from having high social value/being high-value
- Having high value comes first your level of self-investment (health & wellness, emotional, intellectual, purpose &passions, etc)
- The best way to have high social value is to become a LEADER in your interests/passions
- Attractiveness is inversely proportional to neediness
- To attract high-quality women, you need to be a high-quality man
- The only real dating advice is self-improvement
- No woman or relationship will make you happy if you’re not happy with yourself
- Always lead and take action. Men are the pursuers and women are the selectors
- Embrace failure and constantly seek opportunities to grow
- Happy & healthy relationships are built when both partners take responsibility for their own emotions
- Attraction is all about connecting with someone physically and emotionally
- Level of intimacy comes from shared experiences
- Getting physical quickly and comfortably is the most integral part of seduction and dating
Key Ideas from Each Book
- The more you value and respect yourself, the more women will value and respect you
- No woman will make you happy if you first are not happy with yourself
- Women are attracted to momentum much more than meeting someone who is actually successful
- What women want is for you to have a strong masculine presence, be the grounded man, and have the ability to connect with her and make her feel special
- Men are the pursuers and women are the selectors
- Value creates attraction
- Three things to keep in mind when you’re out meeting women:
- Always be taking action
- Always be leading
- Always be having fun
- You grow the most when there is the highest level of fear, so always go where your fear is
- It’s not what you say but the energy behind how you say it
- It’s better to be single with high standards than in a relationship settling for less than you deserve out of scarcity
- Draw your happiness from within and other people will be happy to be around you
- You are the average of your five closest friends
- It’s not your responsibility for you to make her happy
- Embrace failure as a learning experiences
- In order to get higher quality women, you need to become a higher quality man
- The attraction circuits of women are calibrated find a man attractive not measured primarily by handsomeness or physique, but rather by social value
- We are hardwired to seek alignment with high-value people
- The Venusian artist uses emotional stimulation instead of rational discourse
- The Venusian artist must always be leading the interaction
- A woman’s number one emotional priority is safety and security
- Be a fun and playful person. Women are attracted to fun and stimulation
- No matter what happens, it’s no big deal
- A good pickup artist believes that the most fun and valuable spot in the field is his own
- Group theory: women of quality tend to be found in groups and rarely if ever alone
- Be talkative. Always have something to talk about. Get into a talkative mood and practice talking to everyone
- Role reversal – one of the best frames to use (and should be your reality) is that you are higher value and she is chasing you
- Use IOIs, IODs, and other push-pull, hot-cold dynamics to create tension, build comfort, and demonstrate value
- Guys with game create a natural flow of kino
- Commonality – people tend to be more attractive to those do they considered to be similar to them in some way
- When people share vulnerabilities, it demonstrates and creates an emotional connection. The secret is to embrace your vulnerability and still be unaffected by it
- People are willing to work harder to preserve and existing investment than they are to make a new one
- The game is played in comfort. It’s necessary to develop a wide conversational rapport
- A man’s attractiveness is inversely proportional to how needy he is
- The only real dating advice is self-improvement
- Being vulnerable is the most powerful and non-needy thing you can do
- Ultimately what we all want is a strong, independent, non-needy partner who fulfills us, who we can share ourselves with and receive them in return
- The goal is to identify the women in each category (receptive, neutral, unreceptive) and move forward appropriately
- Your ability to move women from neutral to receptive will be proportional to how good your “game” is, or how well you’re able to communicate and express yourself with women
- You cannot always control how people will react to you
- Success should be defined by screening through as many women as possible until we find the ones we enjoy and the ones who enjoy us
- Theory of demographics: Like attracts like. You attract what you are
- Don’t just pursue your interests, become a leader in them
- It is far more powerful to be something attractive rather than to say something attractive
- Unfortunate truth: appearance is extremely important. Your outward appearance is often a reflection of your self-investment
- A recipe for a happy and healthy relationship is one where both partners take responsibility for their own emotions and their choice to commit to the other
- Attractive social behaviors are rooted in a comfort with making yourself vulnerable
- The final goal of a successful conversation is to make a personal connection with the woman you’re talking to
- You aren’t ever really attracting a woman unless you’re connecting with her physically and emotionally
- Our level of intimacy comes from the experiences we share
- Getting physical quickly and comfortably is by far the most integral piece of seduction and dating women
- True, long-lasting, emotional connection can only come through submitting to long-term commitment
If this was helpful, please let me know! If you want to see more compilation posts like this, your feedback will encourage me to do more of them 🙂
And as usual, I read and respond to every comment. I’d love to hear from you!