We all want to be healthy. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, we really just want to look good while naked.
As a millennial, there are many things in our lives that make eating healthy and losing weight really difficult.
Top that off with being Asian and the Asian-American experience, it’s a recipe for disaster.
Here are my best tips for slimming down and losing weight as an Asian-American millennial.
1. Stop Drinking Boba
I’ve probably lost most of you already, but it’s okay. We’ll keep going.
Stop identifying yourself as a “bubble tea drinker.” It’s probably one of the most counter-productive labels you’re choosing to adopt if you want to tone up your stomach.
No, milk tea does not run through your veins any more than the shame you carry from your parents because you didn’t get into a better college.
Nobody cares what your favorite boba places are, or what your face looks like when you’re thinking about drinking your plastic-sealed cups of diabetes.
2. Cut Out the KBBQ
No, you don’t need Korean BBQ every week.
What about eating 10 lbs of dead cow, dead pig, and unlimited potato salad in one sitting do you think is healthy?
Nothing. Nothing about it is healthy.
3. Less Green Tea Desserts, More Green Veggies
Yes, we get it. You love matcha desserts. You don’t need to show off your obsession by stuffing your face with it.
If you really like green tea, stop buying matcha desserts and drink the actual stuff, without the sugar.
I love matcha-flavored stuff as much as the next Asian millennial. But GTFO of here with your green food porn. This ain’t no green eggs and ham.
4. Delete Your Food Instagram
It’s unhealthy. Just like your diet.
Nothing is worse when you’re trying to eat healthy than an endless scroll of other people’s over-saturated and over-exposed food photos.
5. Night Markets are the Devil’s Work
Unless a doctor tells you that your body physically requires rainbow-colored diabetes food to survive, stay at home.
How many times do you really need to eat the same “unicorn-style” desserts and “fried everything” foods?
Zero times is the right answer.
6. Avoid the Free Food at Work
Just because it’s free, doesn’t mean it belongs in your mouth.
I tell this to myself all the time, though it might apply to something else entirely.
Look at all your coworkers indulging in the free food. Compare them with the coworkers that stick with eating the food they brought from home.
Which group looks the healthiest?
Hint: Not you.
7. Less Gym Selfies, More Actual Gym
Lifting up your phone to take a selfie in the mirror doesn’t count as a rep.
Your ideal selfie-to-set ratio is “0:∞ “
Right now, yours is probably “∞:0”
8. Your Acai Bowls Aren’t Healthy
You might think you’re eating fruit, but if you add up the juices and the sugary toppings, you should redo the math.
In some cases, you’re waiting 20 minutes in line to pay someone $8 to blend, cut up, and hand you a colorful bowl of sugar.
You can get the same result at home with a bag of sugar and some food coloring mixed into a bowl.
9. Juice Cleanses are a Scam
This isn’t news, you just keep listening to the paid IG influencers who tell you to use their promo code to get a 15% discount. Then you can look like them and get your own affiliate promo code.
“Ingesting pure sugar into my bloodstream and spiking my insulin levels is healthy for me, right?”
No, there’s no such thing as a “magic bullet” to weight loss. Just because it costs a lot of money, doesn’t mean it actually works.
If you want to flush $80/week down the drain, just give the money to me. Instead of giving you back 6 bottles of juice, I’ll give you 6 bottles of water to drink instead.
10. Quit the Iced Coffee
You don’t need your stupid iced coffee drinks from Starbucks, Peet’s, or wherever.
Stop telling yourself you need the caffeine. Your body is just addicted to the loads of sugar inside of it.
If you really think it’s the caffeine. Drink black coffee or straight black tea, no sugar. THEN come back to me about your supposed caffeine addiction.
You might as well try cocaine instead. At least that way you’ll look cool if you put on a suit give off Scarface vibes.
11. Low-Carb Energy Drinks are a Lie
Stop kidding yourself with your low-calorie energy drinks. The only person you’re fooling with your Bangs, 5-Hours, and Celsius drinks is yourself.
Since when has putting artificial chemicals into your body ever made anyone healthy.
12. Enough with the Pho, Ramen, and Hot Pot
Nothing works better for getting a 1-pack than consuming bowls of MSG, sriracha, hoisin sauce, miso, shio, fish sauce, and chili oil.
Your small handfuls of veggies will not cancel out the 5 lbs of noodles and cups of sodium.
13. Go to Bed on Time
Actually try getting good sleep. I’ll save you the boring talk about the benefits of sleeping because you should already know this.
Really, stop bing watching Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime.
Try being an adult once in a while and go to sleep early. You probably have sh*t to do tomorrow.
14. Fall in Love, then Get Heartbroken
As a necessary element of all Korean dramas, it’s no wonder why they’re all skinny and good-looking.
Nothing will motivate you more to eat healthy and get in shape like a good breakup.
You’ll just have to deal with the fact that your future, rich mother-in-law will always hate your guts. Or that the love of your life is a lower class, yet quirky girl who doesn’t give in to your cocky, rich-boy charms.
But basically you’ll just have to live with your deep-rooted insecurity that you’ll never be enough for anyone.
But on the surface, at least you’ll be happy because you have abs, right?
There you have it. Follow these 14 principles and you should have abs by the end of 30 days.
But if not, no worries. Millennials are already stereotyped for being lazy and entitled right? You deserve whatever your heart desires.