Book notes: Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

Synopsis:

“Dealing with your ex-husband, who can’t seem to show up reliably for weekends with the kids; navigating a workplace fraught with office politics or racial tensions; saying “I’m sorry” or “I love you.”

We all have difficult conversations, no matter how confident or competent we are. And too often, no matter what we try, things don’t go well. Should you say what you’re thinking and risk starting a fight? Swallow your views and feel like a doormat? Or should you let them have it? But – what if you’re wrong?

Difficult Conversations shows you a way out of this dilemma; it teaches you how to handle even the toughest conversations more effectively and with less anxiety. Based on 15 years of work at Harvard Negotiation Project and consultations with thousands of people, the authors answer the question: When people confront the conversations they dread the most, what works?

Difficult Conversations walks you through a proven, concrete, step-by-step approach for understanding and conducting tough conversations. It shows you how to get ready, how to start the conversations in ways that reduce defensiveness, and how to keep the conversation on a constructive track regardless of how the other person responds.

Whether you’re dealing with your baby-sitter or biggest client, your boss or your brother-in-law, Difficult Conversations can help.” -Audible

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Opening thoughts:

I believe I got this book recommendation from a podcast episode and then put it on my to-read list. I think people skills and communication skills are always a good thing to brush up on and improve as it’s so important. I’m expecting to get some good and foundational insights on how to approach difficult conversations, which I think is at the heart of what frightens people most about relationships. The fact that difficult conversations are what’s necessary to improve relationships, but many times we run away from them because we are either scared of the outcome or don’t know how to handle them.

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Key notes:

Chapter 1

• It’s important to shift from a message delivery stance to a learning stance
• The gap between what you’re really thinking and what you’re saying is part of what makes a conversation difficult
  • You’re distracted by all that’s going on inside. Uncertain about what’s okay to share and what’s better left unsaid 
• There are 3 conversations:
  1. The what happened conversation
     • Most difficult conversations involve disagreements about what has happened or what should happen
  2. The feelings conversation
     • It asks or answers questions about feelings
       • Are my feelings valid or appropriate? What about the others’ feelings?
  3. The identity conversation
     • The conversation we each have with ourselves about what the situation means to us
• Straightening out assumptions is essential in “what happened” conversations
• The truth assumption, which assumes I am right and you are wrong, causes endless grief
• Changing our stance means inviting the other person into the conversation with us to help us figure things out
  • We need to have a learning conversation

Chapter 2

• Stop arguing about who is right
  • Explore each other’s stories
• Our perspectives are different because, in our lives and experiences, we each notice some things and ignore others
  • Second, we each have access to different information
• Our own implicit rules also cause conflict
  • There’s nothing wrong with these rules and they are important
  • But we should make these rules explicit to others and encourage them to do the same
• Work to understand people’s stories
  • It doesn’t require you to give up your own
  • It allows us to recognize how we each see things matter. How we each feel matters
  • The “And…” stance shows us that the world is complex
• Understanding someone else’s story doesn’t mean you have to agree with it
  • Disentangle intent from impact

Chapter 3

• As a rule, when things go wrong in human relationships, everyone has contributed in some important way
  • A contribution system is present
  • That system includes input from both people
• It’s important to identify the joint contributions and recognize all sides
  • Each contribution may not be equal, but usually, both sides are present
• The goal should be on understanding, not assigning percentages of blame
  • Sharing our feelings is also essential
• Ask yourself: What feelings am I failing to express, and has the other person acknowledged my feelings?

Chapter 4

• Another contribution is called an intersection
  • These result from a simple difference between two people: background, preferences, communication style, or assumptions
• Some people are shifters who can easily shift the blame to others
  • Others are absorbers who can easily take on blame for a problem by focusing and magnifying their own contributions
• Making a specific request on how the other person can change their contribution in the service of helping you change yours can be a powerful way of helping them understand what they are doing to create and perpetuate the problem
• There’s nothing wrong with feelings. But it’s important to recognize that what you do with them can be good or bad

Chapter 5

• Attributions and judgments about others aren’t feelings or fact

Rule 1: Before saying what you’re feeling, negotiate with your feelings

Rule 2: Try to get everything you’re feeling into the conversation

• Our feelings come from our thoughts
  • So to change our feelings, we can start by altering our thoughts
• Being emotional is different from expressing emotions clearly
• Sharing feelings well and clearly requires thoughtfulness
• Establish an evaluation-free zone by respecting the following guidelines:
  1. Share pure feelings without judgments, attributions, or blame
  2. Safe problem-solving until later
  3. Don’t monopolize
• Remember to begin with the phrase “I feel…” 

The identity conversation

• Three identity issues seem particularly common:
  • Am I competent?
  • Am I a good person?
  • Am I worthy of love? 
• Grappling with identity issues is what life and growth are all about
  • No amount of love or accomplishment or skill can insulate you from these challenges
• Working to keep negative information out during a difficult conversation is like trying to swim without getting wet
  • Conversations by nature require us to go against negative information about ourselves that will make us uncomfortable
• Complexifying your self-image will help improve your ability to manage the identity conversation
• It is better to recognize trends in yourself and your behavior rather than thinking you always act a certain way
• A self-image that allows for complexity is healthy and robust
  • It provides a sturdy foundation on which to stand
  • It’s important to realize and admit that you will make mistakes 

Chapter 6

• You will get knocked over in difficult conversations
  • What’s important is your ability to get back on your feet and keep the conversation going in a productive direction

• 4 things you can do before a difficult conversation to regain and maintain your balance:
  1. Letting go of trying to control your reaction
  2. Preparing for the other person’s response
  3. Imagining the future to gain perspective if you do lose your balance
  4. Taking a break

• Focus on 3 purposes for difficult conversations:
  1. Learning their story & perspective
  2. Expressing your views and feelings to your own satisfaction
  3. Problem-solving together. Given what you’ve both learned, what would improve the situation going forward?

Chapter 7

• Getting started – begin from the third story
  • The third story is one a keen observer from the outside would tell because they have no stake in this particular problem
• Advice about making a request: don’t make it a demand
  • Other people are more likely to listen to you once you take the time to listen to them first and make them feel understood

Chapter 8

• Authenticity matters in listening
• Rekindle your curiosity
• 3 primary skills that good listeners employ:
  • Inquiry, paraphrasing, and acknowledgment
• Don’t disguise assertions as questions
• Feelings crave acknowledgement
  • Unless feelings get the acknowledgment they need, they can cause trouble in the conversation
• In understanding, the effort in trying to understand is more important than the outcome
• Expression: speak for yourself with clarity and power
• Ask: Have I shared what is at the heart of the matter for me? If not, why?

Chapter 9

• Reframing means taking the essence of what the other person says and translating it into more helpful concepts 
• Whenever you feel overwhelmed or unsure on how to proceed, remember that it is always a good time to listen

Chapter 10

• When trying to make sense of someone else’s version or perspective, explicitly ask “what’s missing?” to help you understand

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Closing thoughts:

Although I enjoyed this book and it was very insightful, I have to mention that I think the chapter sections were broken up incorrectly? It seems like the chapters ended and began at awkward moments, almost mid-thought. Since this seems to be an older book, perhaps they chopped up the sections incorrectly. This might explain why it was hard for me to identify the headers or subjects of each section.

Overall, it was a great book that got to the heart of what I think most people struggle with in terms of communication and people skills: difficult conversations. In my opinion, if you can master the skill of navigating difficult conversations, it’s an 80-20 principle in that most communication with others will be much easier. Or rather, navigating the hardest challenges in all of our relationships would be much easier. I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to improve their ability to work with others in any capacity.

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One Takeaway / Putting into practice:

My one takeaway from this book is an idea that stood out the most to me in terms of handling difficult conversations:

• Feelings crave acknowledgement

For me, this is the most important takeaway because I’m more of a logical person. I take a rational approach when handling these difficult conversations, which isn’t always effective when dealing with someone who is more emotional. There’s nothing wrong with each, but I do want to get better and remember to acknowledge the other person’s feelings. This is a step that I feel like I need to emphasize more to help the other person feel understood. Only then can we move forward to the problem-solving stage.

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Nutshell:

How to navigate tough conversations with more efficiency and less anxiety.

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Similar books:

• The Like Switch by Jack Schafer
• Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards
• Dare to Lead by Brene Brown
• The Soulful Art of Persuasion by Jason Harris
• Influence by Robert Cialdini
• Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown
• You’re Not Listening by Kate Murphy
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

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Rating:

4/5

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