Book notes: I Don’t Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real

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I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrance Real

Synopsis:

“Psychotherapist Terrence Real offers an important and compelling look at the silent epidemic of depression among men and shows, with compassion and clarity, what can be done to break this vicious cycle.” -Audible

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Opening thoughts:

I heard of this book when the author was on a podcast episode of The Tim Ferriss Show, and it sounded like a very interesting topic that I hadn’t heard discussed before.

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Key notes:

Chapter 1: Men’s Hidden Depression

Reader’s note: In this section, the author is saying that the stigma around men’s mental health leads to many of them being unable to admit they’re depressed or needing help, so they don’t seek help. And therefore are more likely to suffer from it

• Studies show that men’s paranoia about opening up about their depression is not unfounded
  • They found that when women open up to their friends, they are met with compassion, empathy, and support
  • When men do, it tends to result in social isolation or hostility
• Covert depression is hidden from those around you and possibly from your own conscious awareness

Chapter 2: Sons of Narcissus: Self-Esteem, Shame, and Depression”

• Covertly depressed men do not dare know themselves. The pain of depression is avoided, managed, and denied 
• Depression is like an autoimmune disease in which the self attacks the self

Chapter 3: The Hollow Men: Covert Depression and Addiction

• The covertly depressed man relies on external stimulants to rectify an inner baseline of shame
• Depression can facilitate an addiction to something that soothes the symptoms and emotional dysregulation of depression
• The cure for covert depression is actually overcoming depression due to accepting it and not running from it

Reader’s notes: This section makes me feel like I may be covertly depressed because I feel a lack of connection with a lot of people. This is probably due to my lack of trust in people from my past experiences due to their inconsistencies and lack of integrity. Or perhaps this is a symptom of needing more verbal affirmations on my end. I do sometimes feel a sense of numbness, occasionally. And it’s probably from a bit of trauma from social rejection and feeling like I’m not worthy of people’s love and acceptance.

• The elevation of self through the medium of control over others is a central theme uniting most forms of abuse
• Addictions soothe temporarily, but result in more depression, which fuels more addiction 
• Women typically have the communication ability, community, and skills to deal with their emotional problems, whereas men usually are not socialized or equipped to do so
• Each gender is taught by society and socialized to handle their pain differently

Chapter 4: A Band Around the Heart: Trauma and Biology

“Beware of nice men with bitchy women”

• There is a strong genetic component to major depression, independent of one’s environment
• Studies indicate that boys are spoken to less than girls, comforted less, and nurtured less
  • Passive trauma in boys is rarely extreme

Chapter 5: Perpetrating Masculinity

Reader’s note: This section is about how little boys and girls are socialized at a young age to act consistently with stereotypical gender behaviors 

• Boys are taught that being a man is a negative identity, in that it’s “not being a woman,” and all of the traits typically characterized as feminine 

Chapter 6: The Loss of the Relational

• Part of the socialization of masculinity is destroying the boy’s relationship with his mother, which is usually the most intense
  • Society tells boys to turn away from their mothers and intimacy
• A connection between masculine socialization, alexithymia (emotional blindness), covert depression, and substance abuse seems obvious
• The capacity to reach out to others for help in dealing with fear and pain is the best single remedy for emotional injury
• Humans can rarely tolerate such levels of detachment for long; it is just too lonely
  • It usually leads to some sort of addiction

Reader’s note: Again, I wonder if maybe I’m covertly depressed because my experiences in life have taught me that unless I’m reliable and strong, I dont have value to others. That being reliant and dependent on others makes me a burden, so I’m constantly trying to be strong. When in reality, I do want connection and feel like I can rely on others when I need help and emotional support. But instead, I bottle that human need inside and end up feeling lonely and disconnected, and ultimately depressed

• An unwillingness to deal with vulnerability leads to problems for men
• By internalizing the value of invulnerability and the devaluation of dependency, boys learn to reject comfort and connection in an ongoing manner
• People actually connect better when they expose their weaknesses

Chapter 7: Collateral Damage

• It is the boy’s capacity to detach from his own painful experience that proves him worthy of membership in the community of man
• Part of sportsmanship is dehumanizing the opponent
  • This adds to the principle of dominance and grandiosity
• Boys are taught to commodify themselves and others, objectifying everyone
• Boys have been conditioned out of empathy and trained to be soldiers from a young age
  • The desire is belonging, but the paradox is that they are taught to dominate to belong 
• Society instills in our sons an unhealthy, performance-based esteem
• Shame states, or failures in self-esteem, are experienced as a sense of not being enough and not mattering. As emptiness or fear or impotence
• Reference to the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer & real life story of Josh Waitzkin
• Winning usually means inflicting loss on someone else
• It is more accurate to relate self-worth with relational connection

Chapter 8: Two Inner Children

• Depression is like an auto-aggressive disease
  • A disorder in which the self turns against itself
• Therapy is fundamentally a process that helps people discover how they must live
  • Depression in men is not just a disease, it is the consequence of the wrong turn. A path poorly chosen

Chapter 9: Balance Prevails: Healing the Legacy

• Recovery transforms legacies
• Sometimes it takes generations to heal

Chapter 10: Crossing the Wasteland: Healing Ourselves

• The degree to which a man relies upon addictive defenses to ward off depression determines the degree of his abusiveness or irresponsibility towards others

4 Cardinal Areas of Disregulation

1. Difficulty in maintaining healthy self esteem
2. difficulty in regulating one’s feelings
3. Difficulty in exercising self-care,
4. Difficulty in sustaining connection to others

5 Self-Functions:

1. Self-esteem
2. Self-protection
3. Self-knowledge
4. Self-care
5. Self-moderation

• Depression freezes, but sadness flows
• Grief is depression’s cure
• States are fleeting, but feelings stay longer and are embedded in experiences and relationships
  • The cure for states (like depression) is feelings
• Feelings are not endless, but our numbing attempts to avoid them can last a lifetime

Chapter 11: Learning Intimacy: Healing Our Relationships

• Change the behavior first, then usually the feelings will follow

Chapter 12: Conclusion: Where We Stand

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Closing thoughts:

Wow. This was one of those ultra-rare books that really made me think and ultimately shifted the way I see things. Not only that, but it was very timely in my life as I’ve been going through an emotional slump for the past few months. But this book really put into perspective of the factors, frameworks, and scripts that have led me to feel this way. I had 2-3 deep discussions where I brought up this book and the main points I took away from it, and those reflection helped me to digest and process what I learned from this book.

Highly recommend this book, for anyone but particularly men who have also likely been socialized in the same way I have. Even if no immediate change comes from it, I think it’s valuable to understand the concepts at play that lead to covert depression.

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One Takeaway / Putting into practice:

The one main takeway from this book, if I had to sum it up:

• In society, boys are conditioned out of empathy and instilled a performance-based esteem

This is one of those blatant truths that are so hard to see when you’re in it, but so obvious once someone shifts your perspective to show you that this is how it’s been all along. It makes sense why there’s an epidemic of covert depression, particularly in men, resulting in a lot of anger and addiction to avoid the depression. I think if more men understood what was going on and took active steps to counteract this, it would benefit society as a whole.

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Nutshell:

The masculine socialization of men, which reduces empahty and instills a performance-based esteem, leads to covert depression, and potentially addictive and/or abusive tendencies.

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Similar books:

• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
• Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown
• 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think by Brianna Wiest
• Awareness by Anthony de Mello
• Trauma by Paul Conti, MD

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Rating:

4.5/5

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