Book notes: 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think by Brianna Wiest

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101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think by Brianna Wiest

Synopsis:

“Over the past few years, Brianna Wiest has gained renown for her deeply moving, philosophical writing. This new compilation of her published work features pieces on why you should pursue purpose over passion, embrace negative thinking, see the wisdom in daily routine, and become aware of the cognitive biases that are creating the way you see your life.

Some of these pieces have never been seen; others have been read by millions of people around the world. Regardless, each will leave you thinking: This idea changed my life.” -Audible

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Opening thoughts:

I believe I got this from a recommendation of a guest on the Tim Ferris podcast and maybe a couple of other places. Not sure what to expect, but since I’ve caught up with my book summaries, I finally have the spare time and capacity to read a non-fiction book for the first time in a while. This seems like a very thought-provoking book, and I like these kinds of books that have the potential to change the way I think or the way I see something. However, it felt like the perfect book to read for August as I was in a mental slump and needed something to refocus my mind and “change the way I think.”

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Key notes:

Introduction

• “In order to change your life, you have to change your mind”
• Often, our most intense discomfort is what precedes and necessitates thinking in a way we’ve never conceived of before
• The first and most important duty we have is to actualize the potential we were born with, both for ourselves and for the world

Chapter 1: Subconscious Behaviors that Are Keeping You from Having the Life You Want

• Living in the moment is the only thing your brain can actually comprehend
• If you want to change your life, change your beliefs
  • If you want to change your beliefs, go out and have experiences and make them real to you

Chapter 2: The Psychology of Daily Routine

• Routine, in whatever form, is important because habitualness creates mood, and mood creates the nurture aspect of your personality
  • Most things that bring genuine happiness are not just temporary, immediate gratifications. And those things require sacrifice and come with resistance
• Learn to make your conscious decisions dictate your day, not your fears or impulses
• Routine gives us a sense of safety and purpose
  • Routine consistently reaffirms a decision we’ve already made as well as our ability to do it 

Chapter 3: 10 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Do Not Do

Chapter 4: 10 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Do Not Do

• She wants to believe that you either love someone in some way forever, or you never really loved them at all 

Chapter 5: 16 Signs of a Socially Intelligent Person

• Socially intelligent people can communicate with others and leave them feeling at ease without sacrificing who they are and what they want to say
  • They speak calmly and with precision
  • They listen to hear, not respond
  • Their primary relationship is to themselves, and they work on it tirelessly
  • Your relationship to everyone else is an extension of your relationship to yourself 

Chapter 6: Uncomfortable Feelings that Actually Indicate You’re on the Right Path

Chapter 7: What the Feelings You Most Suppress Are Trying to Tell You

• Real emotional maturity is how thoroughly you let yourself feel anything, everything, whatever comes
• Suffering is just the refusal to accept what is
• You cannot select emotions. You’re either in accord with their flow or in resistance to their nature

Chapter 8: The Parts of You that Aren’t “I”

Chapter 9: 20 Signs You’re Doing Better Than You Think You Are

Chapter 10: Breaking Your “Upper Limit,” and How People Hold Themselves Back from Real Happiness

• Breaking your upper limit
• It’s not about what pain you suffer, it’s about what you suffer for
• Nothing has to be an essential part of you unless you decide it is

Chapter 11: The Happiness of Excellence

• There are three forms of happiness: pleasure, grace, and excellence

Chapter 12: The Knowing-Doing Gap: Why We Avoid Doing What’s Best for Us, and How to Conquer Resistance for Good

• It’s easier to act your way into a new way of thinking rather than think your way into a new way of acting

Chapter 13: 101 Things More Worth Thinking About Than Whatever’s Consuming You

• Sometimes the ultimate expression of self-love is admitting you don’t like yourself and coming up with steps to change things you know you can and will do better
• Fulfillment is a product of knowing what enough is. Otherwise, you’ll be constantly seeking more

Chapter 14: Expectations You Must Let Go of in Your 20s

• “What work are you willing to do even if nobody claps? What will be worthwhile if it goes unacknowledged? How will you feel loved by a few people if you aren’t acknowledged by many?”
• If you work on yourself enough, you’ll understand what the struggle is for
• The purpose of hard work is to recognize the person it makes you, not what it gets you
• Self-sufficiency is foundational, but only a precursor to happiness. Meeting your own needs is the first step, but not the ultimate goal

Chapter 15: Read This if You “Don’t Know What You’re Doing” with Your Life

• “What do I want?” is a question you need to ask yourself every day 

Chapter 16: 8 Cognitive Biases that Are Creating the Way You Experience Your Life

• The world is not as it is; it is as we are. The world we experience is just a subjective, relative reality

Chapter 17: What Emotionally Strong People Do Not Do

Chapter 18: 10 Key Things We Misunderstand About Emotion

• You’re not supposed to be happy all the time. Listen to what your body is telling you
  • Negative emotions are a signal that something isn’t right
  • The emotion doesn’t have to be fixed; the thing that it’s signaling your attention to does
• Stress may be the most dangerous emotion, especially when it’s consistent
• You cannot numb yourself to one experience or emotion without numbing yourself to everything else
  • Reference to Brene Brown

Chapter 19: The Little Things You Don’t Realize Are Affecting How You Feel About Your Body

• The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice

Chapter 20: Goals to Set that Are More About Enjoying What You Have Than Chasing What You Don’t

• Seek out ways to appreciate people the way they are
  • It is not your job to judge who is deserving of your love or to fix them. It’s only your job to love them in whatever way is appropriate
• Find meaning and joy in the work you do, not in the work you wish you did
• Start your own holiday traditions
  • Make the most special days of the year reflect who you are and what you love, and how you want to celebrate your life
• Give everything you own a home, it is essentially the key to feeling at peace in your space
  • Only keep what is purposeful or beautiful to you. It makes maintaining flow in your space effortless and calming
    • Reader’s note: reference to Marie Kondo
• Aspire to be someone who gives things meaning rather than seeking things to give them meaning
  • Chase kindness, intelligence, open-mindedness instead of success or wealth
• Make physical relations a priority
  • Be mindful, present, and intentional with everything that you do
    • It is not the quantity of what we accomplish, but the quality of it

Chapter 21: 102 Ways to Not Let Irrational Thoughts Ruin Your Life

• Do not make decisions when you’re upset
  • Let yourself come back to neutral first
• Practice healthy discomfort
  • Learn to lean into your stress, not resist it
• Identify your comfort zones and step back into them now and again
• Ask someone how they feel about you if you don’t know
• Practice radical acceptance
  • Learn to tell the parts of your story you’d rather shove under the rug
• There are three layers of you: your identity, your shame, and your true self
  • Your identity is your outermost layer and the idea that you think others have of you. And your shame is what prevents others from expressing your true self
  • Work on closing the gap between who the world thinks you are and who you know you are
• Learn to see each day from the perspective of your older self
• Focusing on gratitude and an abundance mindset will make you feel happy no matter how much or how little you have, as opposed to a scarcity mindset
• Dream bigger
  • Visualize a future that is greater than your present
  • When you have something important to work toward or someone to be better for, little made-up problems will quickly dissolve
• Validate yourself 
• Connect with people (x3)
• Dedicate your time to helping someone else, through volunteering, donating, mentoring, etc
  • Make your life about more than just your own wants
• Stop judging other people
  • See them with dignity and accept them as they are, which will help you accept yourself
• Use your overactive imagination to either create something or to imagine the best possible outcome and ways to get there in your life
• Ask for help when you need help

Chapter 22: The Inherent Zen of Creativity

Chapter 23: Everything Is Here to Help You: How Intrinsically Motivated People Become the Best Versions of Themselves

• Your unhappiness comes from a lack of appreciation, which is a cultivated trait

Chapter 24: How to Know When the Only Thing in the Way of Your Happiness Is You

Chapter 25: The Psychology of Getting Unstuck and the 3 Stages of Making Habits Autonomous

Chapter 26: The One Question to Ask Yourself If You’re Tired of Fighting for Someone’s Love

• Love isn’t something that can be taken away, given, or something you get. It’s something you experience
  • That exchange requires an equal, honest, and willing contribution on both sides
• If you go on as if love is something always required of you, you’ll find it in everything
  • All the loves become equally important. These love stories teach you how to love better and give more

Chapter 27: Be Where Your Feet Are: Mantras that Will Remind You that Your Life Is Happening in This Moment

Chapter 28: 16 Questions that Will Show You Who You Are (And What You’re Meant to Do)

Chapter 29: How to Know You’ve Evolved More than You Give Yourself Credit For

• Safety isn’t in certainty, but in faith that you can simply keep going

Chapter 30: Signs the Only Problem with Your Life Is the Way You Think About It

Chapter 31: Do You Argue Intelligently? From Defensiveness to Rebuttal, The 7 Main Ways People Fight

Chapter 32: Signs Your Mental Breakdown Is Actually an Emotional Breakthrough

Chapter 33: How to Stop Worrying About how Your Life Looks and Start Focusing on How It Feels

• Your brain can’t differentiate good from bad; it only knows comfortable and uncomfortable

Chapter 34: Why You Shouldn’t Seek Comfort

• Familiar discomfort feels the same as comfort

Chapter 35: The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem: Why It Is Not how You Feel, But What You Think You’re Capable Of

• The two fundamental elements that self-esteem is comprised of are:
  • Self-efficacy, a sense of basic confidence against life‘s challenges
  • Self-respect, a sense of being worthy of happiness 

Chapter 36: Why You Should Thank the People Who Have Hurt You Most in Life

• The people who were able to hurt us the most were the people whom we were able to love the most
• Difficult relationships often push you to change for the better
• You have a right to hate someone, but you also have the right to choose to be at peace
  • To forgive someone is to realize that the other side of resentment is wisdom
    • To find wisdom in pain is to channel it into something better
• Being able to move past an experience is being able to recognize the purpose that it served

Chapter 37: Trying to Make Sense of Your Life Is What’s Actually Holding You Back

• Clarity comes from doing, not from thinking about doing
• It’s choosing to work with what you have

Chapter 38: How To Detox Your Mind (Without Having to Go Completely Off the Grid)

• Try to practice complete acceptance of whatever you feel in the moment
• Addictions are a disconnection from the self and both of something present that you think you can’t face

Chapter 39: 12 Signs the Only Problem with Your Life Is that You Think About It More than You Live It

• Most of your problems come back down to a fear of judgment or exclusion

Chapter 40: Why Logical People Lead Better Lives (In a Generation Where “Passion” Is at a Premium)

• It’s not about following passion, it’s about following purpose, passionately
• Passion is an attachment to a particular idea or feeling. Logic counteracts it
  • Gratitude is born of logic. A happy life is born of gratitude
• The pursuit of passion often stems from a feeling of lack

Chapter 41: Things You Need to Know About Yourself Before You’ll Have the Life You Want

• Remember that you do not have forever
  • What matters when it’s all said and done is how you influence other people’s lives, often just through your daily interactions and the courage with which you live your own
    • That’s what people remember
• Everything is hard, and you will suffer
  • But you get to choose what is worth suffering for

Chapter 42: Things Emotionally Healthy People Know How to Do

• You love in others what you love about yourself. You hate in others what you can’t see in yourself
• Emotionally healthy people can be alone
  • What you find in solitude is perspective. When you’re by yourself, you can just let yourself be 

Chapter 43: How to measure a Good Life

Chapter 44: There Is a Voice that Doesn’t Use Words; This Is How You Listen to It

Chapter 45: Experiences We Don’t Have English Words for Yet

Chapter 46: How to Become Your Own Worst Enemy (Without Ever Realizing It)

Chapter 47: If We Saw Souls Instead of Bodies

Chapter 48: 16 Reasons Why You Still Don’t Have the Love You Want

• Love is a consistent state of being in communion with body mind and soul
  • It is a daily commitment to learn what it means to love someone else in small, practical, and mindful ways
  • Choosing to love and appreciate someone, regardless of those variables, is a constant choice
• Your heart will tell you what, your mind will tell you how
• The love you really want is your own
  • The love you are seeking from someone else is what you’re not giving yourself

Chapter 49: How to (Actually) Change Your Life This Year

• What you feel like you’re not receiving is what you’re not giving

Chapter 50: How We Lose Our Minds to Other People’s Gods

Chapter 51: How You Fall Out of Love with the Idea of Someone

• Unconditional love is loving someone even if they don’t unconditionally love you in return
• The secret to finding love was not to actually look for it, but to heal the things that were preventing you from seeing and receiving it
  • Ask, “What will having this love fix?”

Chapter 52: Why We Subconsciously Love to Create Problems for Ourselves

Chapter 53: Why Does a Soul Want a Body?

Chapter 54: The Importance of Stillness: Why It’s Imperative to Make Time to Do Nothing

Chapter 55: Why You’re Struggling in Your Relationships, Based on Your Attachment Style

Chapter 56: 16 Ways Suppressed Emotions Are Appearing in Your Life

Chapter 57: 50 People on the Most Liberating Thought They’ve Ever Had

• Everything I perceive is a projection of who I am
  • If I want to change my life, I need to change myself 
• I will get over what I am struggling with in the very same way I got over the other things I thought I never could
• You don’t remember years, you remember moments
• Nothing is permanent, not even the worst feelings
• The moment is all that exists
• What you focus on expands
• You are not in the world; the world is in you
  • When anything happens to you, take the experience inward
    • Creation is set up to bring you constant hints and clues in your role as co-creator
• The purpose of being here is growth
  • Growth means being able to experience and see more because you are aware of it
  • The purpose of being here is to expand awareness
• You teach people how to treat you
  • You get in life what you have the courage to ask for
• “Things I’m meant to have will simply come to me. All I’m responsible for is making sure I’m ready”
• Even if you abandon faith, hope, and love, they don’t leave you
• I am always one choice away from changing everything
• Give love and do what you most genuinely want to
  • It won’t matter in a few hundred years anyway, so make it matter now

Chapter 58: You’re Only in Your 20s —It’s Not Too Late to Completely Start Over

Chapter 59: 17 Ideas You’re Keeping About Your Life that Are Only Holding You Back

Chapter 60: How to Become the Kind of Person Who Deserves the Life You Want

• Following our genuine happiness and internal peace is our only real responsibility
  • The people who love what they do are always more successful than the people who claim to work hard
  • There’s an X factor you cannot mimic when you do something you’re genuinely passionate about

Chapter 61: Things We Expect of Others (But Rarely Consider Changing Ourselves)

Chapter 62: You Don’t Have to “Love Yourself” Perfectly in Order to Be Worthy of Someone Else’s Love

• Loving yourself is also letting someone love you too

Chapter 63: 30 Questions You Need to Ask Yourself If You Still Haven’t Found the Relationship You Want

• Do you ever think about what you can give to a relationship as opposed to what you can take?

Chapter 64: The Most Taboo Thing in Our Culture Is Radical Honesty, and That’s Exactly the Problem

• The very love and passion and acceptance we’re seeking reside nowhere else but within our own, unbridled honesty

Chapter 65: 7 Reasons Why Heartbreak Is Often Crucial for Human Growth

• Suffering is a resistance to pain, and it’s in resistance that we suffer
  • We choose what we suffer for
• People think they’re seeking happiness. But they’re seeking comfort and familiarity above all else

Chapter 66: Why We Hold on Tightest to the Things that Aren’t Meant for Us

• It’s never the love that hurts you; it’s the attachment to the idea of what it’s supposed to be

Chapter 67: Things Your 20s Are Too Short For

Chapter 68: The Happier You Are with a Decision, the Less You Need Other People to Be, and 11 Other Things Truly Fulfilled People Know

• You don’t have to, you get to
• It’s not about whether or not you listen to yourself
  • It’s about what part of yourself you listen to

Chapter 69: What People Who Have Lost Love Know

• You don’t always spend forever with the person you love the most, but you can spend forever trying to reconcile that fact in your mind
• Moving on isn’t a conscious choice, but rather what happens when you stop trying to
  • You forget about them when you start thinking about yourself
• Soulmates are love that lights every part of you up and exposes unhealed layers
  • Your true soulmate is the one who shows you to yourself, and they know that’s the point
• The point of love isn’t to have it forever, but to become what it was meant to make you
  • At first you’ll spend you time trying to figure out what to do with all the love that is left lingering
  • You’re supposed to give it to yourself

Chapter 70: Simplicity.

• Learn that truths can coexist
  • That will set you free in this world
• Learn to keep your needs simple and your wants small
• It’s not anger or the sadness that controls you; it’s the resistance to it that keeps them tucked in their place in your soul
• Do the effortless things, let them be effortless
• Decide to keep nothing but what is meaningful and purposeful
• Your life grows as you do
  • What you experience is a reflection of what you are

Chapter 71: 18 Little Reminders for Anyone Who Feels Like They Don’t Know What They’re Doing with Their Life

• You don’t need to know what you’re doing to still do something extraordinary

Chapter 72: The Art of Awareness, or How to Not Completely Hate Yourself:

• All hatred is self-hatred, and everything is feedback
• At any given time, you’re mostly just concerned with how one or maybe two people perceive you
• Nobody is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about you
• Turn your attention to things that matter more
  • Make something matter more than how other people see you

Chapter 73: 10 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Don’t Know Where Your Life Should Go Next

• What are 5 things that matter most to you?
  • Fulfillment is living in accordance with what we genuinely value
  • When you’re life is not built around the few things you care about the most, you’ll feel out of alignment
• What are you struggling with most right now?
  • These are signals toward where you must move next
• The mantra of any major life change should always be: start where you are, use what you have, do what you can
• If you lived the same day on repeat every day, what would your life be like in the long term?
  • Would you be making healthier, smarter, and more fulfilling decisions?

Chapter 74: There’s No Such Thing as Letting Go; There’s Just Accepting What’s Already Gone

• Permit all things
  • Allow the love, allow the loss
  • Allow the ebb and flow
  • Don’t harbor intention, just be
• There’s no such thing as letting go; there’s just accepting what’s already gone

Chapter 75: You Are a Book of Stories, Not a Novel

• You have to let go of the old chapters to genuinely write the new ones

Chapter 76: Everyday Signs the World Is Experiencing a Shift in Consciousness

Chapter 77: Why Do We Value Our Suffering So Much?

Chapter 78: What You Find in Solitude

• Solitude grounds you in what is and helps you escape from what you think should be

Chapter 79: How to Raise a Generation of Kids Who Don’t Have a Problem with Anxiety

• Pleasure cannot cure pain. They live on opposite ends of the same spectrum
  • Increasing sensitivity to one raises the other

Chapter 80: The Idiot’s Guide to Emotional Intelligence: Why We Need Pain

• Pain is a key component in creating our well-being and guiding us in the right direction 
  • Shifting the baseline is shifting our goals from wanting to transcend the pain to aiming for a neutral emotional pH
• Peace is when neither the desire for the high nor the suppression of the low is present
  • When you shift your baseline from survive to thrive, and have detached from outcomes, you can enjoy what each day brings

Chapter 81: Every Relationship You Have Is with Yourself

• We feel happiest in relationships where we adopt the other person’s supposed narrative
  • We feel most beloved when we feel understood
    • We feel most loved when we think someone thinks highly of us, their efforts and displays of affection serving to prove this
• Relationships don’t serve to give you eternal, perpetual happiness. They serve to make you more aware

Chapter 82: 15 Little Ways to Deepen Your Relationship with Anyone

• Spend a Sunday morning with them. Sit in silence with them. Call them when you’re not okay and let them comfort you
  • Tell them you’d like to do the same for them
  • Hold space for them and give them your full attention
• Talk about ideas, what you believe in, or the future
  • Move beyond discussing people, events, and petty daily grievances 
• Create something together
  • Start a little business, work on a story, do something creative, go on a service trip
  • Do something where you team up for a greater cause
• Pay attention to the little things
  • Notice what there most bothered by, their favorite things
  • Make it an intention to be detail-oriented
    • People appreciate it more than you realize
• Plan a short trip together. Plan in advance so you have something to look forward to
• Show up for them and their events, because that’s what you do when you care about someone else’s happiness as much as your own
• Plan your heart-to-heart conversations 
• Talk about your families and what it was like growing up

Chapter 83: Let Yourself Be Happier than You Think You Deserve

• Stop living for how other people will remember you
• Do what makes you happy, and understand that your happiness is your choice and your responsibility alone

Chapter 84: How to Think for Yourself: An 8-Step Guide

• Envision your most actualized self and what they would think about an issue, and shift your mindset towards that

Chapter 85: The Very Important Reason Why We Choose to Love People Who Cannot Love Us Back

• The purpose of a relationship is not to fix us, heal us, or make us whole or happy
  • It’s to show us where we need fixing and what parts of us are still broken. And that nobody can do this work or make us happy but ourselves
• Love will keep breaking our hearts until they open
  • Our life partners are the ones who come after the love that opens us

Chapter 86: Not Everybody Will Love You in a Way You Understand

Chapter 87: How to Tame Your Inner Demons

Chapter 88: Why We Reject Positive Thinking

Chapter 89: The Philosophy of Non-Resistance: The Difference Between “Going With the Flow” and Becoming a Doormat

Chapter 90: You Have to Be Kindest to Yourself When It Seems Least Deserved

Chapter 91: The 15 Most Common Types of Distorted Thinking

Chapter 92: 101 Things that Are More Important than What Your Body Looks Like

Chapter 93: 7 Zen Principles (And how to Apply Them to Modern Life)

• Your experience is constructed by your mind
• The ultimate path to happiness is nonattachment
• You can be an objective observer of your mind and your life
• Everything is one
  • This is the basis of enlightenment
  • It is in the illusion of separateness that we suffer

Chapter 94: 6 Signs You Have a Healthy Social Sensitivity

Chapter 95: Now Is All You Have

Chapter 96: The Art of Mindlessness

Chapter 97: The Difference Between How You Feel and How You Think You Feel

Chapter 98: The Power of Negative Thinking

• Anxiety is being disconnected from the present moment, other people, or yourself 

Chapter 99: What You Need to Do to Heal Your Life from Anxiety

• If you can’t figure out what you really want, look straight at your deepest fears
  • What’s on the other side of them? That’s what you really want
• Your new best friends will be structure and productivity
• Make a conscious effort to connect and reconnect with the people you already have in your life
  • This will help you to re-form healthy, emotional attachments
  • It’s not weak to need love
• You can’t change how you feel
  • You simply need to be intentional and focus on the right aspects

Chapter 100: Stop Chasing Happiness

• If you want to be happy, you need to stop chasing happiness
  • Happiness is a byproduct of doing things that are challenging, meaningful, beautiful, and worthwhile

Chapter 101: What You Should Know if You’re Experiencing Metanoia: A Change of Mind, Heart, Self or Way of Life

• Big, or intense, love is not the same thing as forever love
• Loving yourself is an action, not a feeling

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Closing thoughts:

While I thought this was a fantastic and very thought-provoking book, my biggest qualm was that it was dense with information and very hard to digest. I had to stop listening to the book periodically to let each chapter sink in. 101 chapters are a lot, and each chapter has several nuggets of wisdom. Whereas in a typical self-improvement book, you might only find 2-3 key takeaways.

I told several friends that listening to this book felt like drinking wisdom through a fire hose. It’s best to listen over a longer period of time. Or better yet, reading these book notes would save you a lot of time getting to the good stuff.

Honestly, I would have liked it to have a bit of narrative to let the “medicine go down” easier, but I think ultimately the book got the job done.

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One Takeaway / Putting into practice:

If I’ve ever had a problem just choosing one takeaway from a book, this would be a clear first-place winner in being difficult. This book quite literally had over a hundred great takeaways, any of them with the potential to change someone’s life if they let it change the way they think.

If I had to choose one key idea for me to implement in my own life, it would be this:

• Make a conscious effort to connect and reconnect with the people you already have in your life

I think this is the one thing I can focus on in the coming months to improve the quality of my life.

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Nutshell:

Hundreds of ideas that will change the way you think.

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Similar books:

• Awaken The Giant Within by Tony Robbins
• Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty
• The Almanack of Naval Ravikant by Eric Jorgenson
• Build the Life You Want by Arthur C. Brooks & Oprah Winfrey
• Striking Thoughts by Bruce Lee
• The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life by Boyd Varty
• Solve for Happy by Mo Gawdat
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

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Rating:

4.5/5

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