Why can’t I find a nice guy/girl? Why don’t my relationships last longer than 3 months? There are no more good people out there.
The common denominator in all your failed relationships is YOU. Sure, you might go through some genuinely bad people, but if you’re always blaming someone else, you’re playing the victim and remove your own power.
Think, are you the type of person you would want to date?
I see cultivating a great relationship is like developing a successful career or building a business. Those who take responsibility and are proactive in creating the results they want usually get them.
Those who do nothing but complain and argue for their excuses will stay in the same place.
The grass isn’t greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it and put effort into keeping it healthy.
Theres no difference between your grass and your relationship, or your life.
You’re not going to “find your soulmate” and then live happily ever after. You’re not magically going to find that knight in shining armor that will sweep you off your feet.
Why the heck would the knight in shining armor want to be with you? What are your merits?
It’s a fundamental principle of the universe that you attract what you are. Great people find other great people. Are you working to become that knight in shining armor so you can find your princess? Are you working to be an amazing wife for your future husband?
You cannot control the other person, you can only control who you are.
And this is more apparent once you’re in a relationship. Whether or not the relationship is great, it’s not on them. It’s on YOU. The sooner you adopt this, the sooner you will empower yourself to create the amazing relationship you really want.
-You cannot drive out the darkness with darkness, only light can do that (pretty sure this is a quote from somewhere)
-sometimes the darkness makes the makes us appreciate the light
-having gone through the darkness, we can now show others the way
-In Star Wars, we often think of the Dark Side of the Force as bad. Conversely, the Light Side of the Jedi is thought to be good. However, I read somewhere that the darkness could actually be more representative of PASSION and the light could be more identified with PEACE and acceptance/tranquility. I wouldn’t discard either side, but rather both need to be used together in balance.
-If your life feels like a dark room with the lights off, once the light is turned on, it doesn’t matter how long the light has been flipped off. Instead, we should just focus on the fact that we’ve escaped and now live in the light. Too many times people tend to ruminate on their past and how terrible it was without being able to move forward and focus on what’s different. What you focus on is what expands, right? Where focus goes, energy flows (as Tony Robbins says)
-In the book “Relentless” by Tim Grover, he discusses how Cleaners (an elite level performer) taps into their darkness, the side of them that isn’t restricted or held back. Think of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One lives in the light with all the societal restrictions. One lives with raw, animalistic instincts, not bound by any rules. One can easily see which one is more powerful given their different positions. High level performers can tap into the “zone” by utilizing their dark side and achieving a state of flow and focus. It’s a really fascinating concept. The most prominent Cleaner he discusses is Michael Jordan, the legend.
When the Starbucks rewards program came out years ago, I never followed the trend because I hardly ever spent money at Starbucks. To me, it was a waste of money to pay for overpriced coffee and frappuccinos.
But when I lived in D.C., my mom opened up a Starbucks account for me online. She wanted to able to add money to it occasionally for whenever I wanted a drink (my mom is so sweet like that 😁).
Seeing the stars add to my account with each purchase eventually got me hooked. Damn it, Starbucks!
Before the most recent revamp of the rewards program, it used to work like this:
Every purchase you make, you get 1 star. After you’ve earned 12 stars, you get a free reward. This allows you to buy any menu item. The most expensive things, like a Trenta sized drink or their snack pack, will cost you about $6
If the average order price is around $4, Starbucks is banking about $48 for every free item they give away, which is a net profit of $42 for them.
Side note: as a Gold level member (getting 30 stars in a year) you also get a “birthday reward” on your birthday. Who can argue with free stuff? (Well, almost free. But you know what I mean.)
Now, I think I’m a smart guy 🤔 so given these figures, there’s no way I’d get suckered into giving away $42.
Soon, I started to notice these promotional emails they would send out. They would have offers like, “make 4 purchases, earn 10 stars” or “visit 5 days in a row, get 12 stars”.
So I thought, this could be a way to cheat the system. Instead of spending $4 to get 1 star, I could average 2 or more stars per dollar if I bought one of the cheaper items (bagels – $1.50, vanilla bean scone -$1.25, banana -$1.00) through these promotions.
Here’s the math:
4 purchases x $1.50 (bagel) = $6 for 14 stars (4 regular + 10 promotional)
14 stars / $6 = 2.33 stars per dollar.
If costs me a little over $5 to get a free reward, that means I’m just about breaking even. Except I get a free reward plus the 4 bagels so that adds a bit more value.
And yes, I understand the whole “if you get 30% off your $10 purchase, you don’t save $3, you just spent $7” logic. But the instant gratification of the sweet, empty calories of a double chocolate chip venti frappuccino and the fallacious rationalization that I’m getting a great deal is irresistible.
This system, however only works if you only buy when there are good promotions. If the promo doesn’t give me at least 2 stars per dollar spent, I won’t use it. $6 spent = 12 stars = free item. Anything less than that and I’m losing money.
Although I guarantee there are tons of other people who have figured this out, I’m certain the majority of people will just get Starbucks whenever they feel like it, regardless of the promotion. This means Starbucks will make their generous $42 net more times than not.
These promos are to get you to making a habit out of going to Starbucks everyday, hence the “6 consecutive visits” promo. People with less mental discipline to go only during promotions will understandably fall for the trap.
With this new program, they seemed to fix the loopholes I’ve been exploiting. Now they award 2 stars for every dollar ($0.50 / star) and it takes 125 stars ($62.50) to earn a reward item. Though it prevents me from cheating, I admit it is obviously more fair for the average person.
With this new program not allowing me to cheat, I vowed not to participate in it anymore.
Until they sent another promotion to my email:
Quick calculations: 4 visits x $1.00 banana = 104 stars (26 stars per dollar spent)
With this system, I could turn $1 into $13!
A week later, they rolled out another promotion: 1 visit for 50 stars!
7 bananas later, I had 250 stars (2 free items).
I felt victorious. I had cheated this new system again. $7 to get 7 bananas + $12 worth of free Starbucks food items, a $19 value!
Sometimes I’ll just save these rewards for a rainy day, or split a venti frap into two grande fraps for with my girlfriend and me, essentially making it an $8.50 value (2 grande fraps run about $4.25).
There you go. That’s how I beat Starbucks. Having my frap and drinking it too.
But once my sugar high wears off, I realize I just bought seven overpriced bananas that will probably over ripen before I can eat them all, consumed 3 days worth of sugar in 10 minutes, wasted $2 worth of gas driving there, added 1 plastic cup to the landfills of our dying earth, and I bet you Starbucks isn’t crying over the $12 they lost on me as everyone who hears this story will probably want a frappuccino now.
Yesterday, my boss told us a story in our Monday morning meeting that shifted the way I thought about motivation. I’m paraphrasing for sure but hopefully the meat of the story stays in tact.
There were these two men who ran together everyday, one was older and one was significantly younger. Based on appearance, the younger man’s youth and vitality would assumably give him an advantage. However, the younger man could never catch up to and pass the old man.
One day, the older man asks the younger one, “What do you think about when you run? What motivates you to keep going?”
The young man responds, “I imagine a snarling, hungry wolf running behind me, his teeth chomping at my heels. That’s what keeps me going.”
“Interesting,” said the old man.
“What about you? What do you think about when you run?” said the young man.
The old man replied, “I imagine I’m the one chasing the wolf. Though I can never catch him, I always try.”
It’s easy to see how this key distinction affects each man’s drive. One focuses on the fear of being eaten by the wolf, while the other focuses on surpassing the thing that’s better than him.
Many times, we focus on what we don’t want. As Tony Robbins says, “what you focus on expands.” Likewise, we fail to instead focus on what we do want and head toward that.
Its funny how when you ask someone if they could design the ideal life for themselves 10 years into the future, they usually can tell you more about what they don’t want compared to what they do want.
Then, we wonder why we get all the things we don’t want, and never what we do want.
So my challenge to you, the reader, is how can you stop focusing on the bad, and instead focus on what we want more of? Better yet, how can we push ourselves to chase our higher self everyday? While we shouldn’t ever think we’ll achieve “perfection,” you might surprise yourself on how much you’ll grow in pursuit of it.
For me, I’m stuck on a treadmill chasing treadmill ahead of me. Who knows if I can ever catch it 🏃🏼🤔
The size of the problem determines the size of the person.
So this morning as I was headed to the gym for my 5:30am workout, I somehow managed to lose my earbuds during the walk from my car to the gym (as I was taking a selfie for my workout accountability group). I spent the next 5-10 minutes retracing my steps, getting frustrated at the fact that I may have just lost my $20 apple ear buds.
A couple weeks prior, I had to replace my $10 gym lock that I absentmindedly left in the men’s locker room. Needless to say, I was ticked that I can’t seem to stop wasting money on things I lose.
After giving up the search, I realized that I was getting worked up over something so small. Yes, $20 can buy a lot of things like a all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ or 2 admission tickets to a new release movie in theaters. And I’m not a rich person, but I’m also not so financially insecure where replacing lost earphones would mean I couldn’t eat for the next few days.
My point: why was I letting something so trivial get me down?
In the book “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind,” T. Harv Eker makes a comparison about the mentalities “rich” people versus “poor” people. He says that poor people are smaller than their problems, whereas rich people are bigger than their problems.
This is how I interpret it: if I let something small get me down, then I’m a small person. Small problems don’t affect big people, only big problems.
As one part of my daily habits, I recite what’s called a “commercial affirmation” to myself. Its pretty self-explanatory, but it’s basically a paragraph of affirmations written in the third person about the person I want to become in the future. Or as a mentor of mine says, my “higher self.” I do this once a day, usually in the mornings before my commute to work.
When something small like losing my earphones gets me worked up, I think: would my higher self, the multi-millionaire entrepreneur, international speaker, and bestselling author be phased by this?
The answer is always a resounding “Nope.”
If the size of the problems determines the size of the person, how “big” of a person are you? What’s getting you down that you know isn’t worth your time, energy, or attention?
I’ve always been taught that mindset is where it all begins. When you can control how you think, you can control your reality.
Event + Response = Outcome.
But that’s a whole topic in itself, haha. As of now, I have a new lock, 2 sets of earphones (a backup in case I lose mine again), and I haven’t even given it a second thought.